Sharon Cuneta: "Dearest Mommy ko, Two years ago, you left me." (November 5, 2016)

Dearest Mommy ko,

Two years ago today, November 5th, you left us. You left me.

I always think that I am now okay, that I am a big girl and that you didn't really love me THAT much anyway, so could there really be much of a difference? And then I always realize that I am wrong.

I miss you, Mommy ko. I still haven't gotten used to being an orphan. I am a Mommy, but truly, I NEED to be the baby girl of my Mommy and Daddy. But both of you had been called home. And maybe that is why I often cannot sleep well, that I often feel lost nowadays, that I find things in my past to hold on to even if I should have let go long ago. I guess I want to go back to how things were. When Daddy seemed to be able to solve everyone's problems. When I could talk to you about an unfaithful boyfriend (or the husband then), or how someone in showbiz was rude to me and how you would remind me to always remember to just let them be, because maybe they weren't taught well by their parents like I was.

Sometimes I cry because I remember I want to buy something we both liked to eat together or whatever it is we used to share -- and just as I would start to get my phone, I would remember that you would never again be on the other side of the line.

I am sorry for being sassy sometimes when you were still around (I had a strong Mommy, after all. But even then.). I am sorry for always thinking of how I thought you made me feel that I was never good enough for you. I think every time I had my heart broken, I would trace it back to feeling rejected by you and sometimes act in public like I was on top of the world when deep inside me, I felt only worthless. Heck -- I was never enough for Gabby, or Richard, or Robin, or whoever else. I hope that I will always be enough for Kiko. Good enough. The only one he'll ever need. Just ENOUGH.

I am sorry, Mommy. I am sorry for making you feel also that I loved Daddy more than you. Perhaps it was my way of getting back at you. But you and I know I also truly loved him. He was crazy about his little girl after all.

I am sorry for everything I ever did or said to hurt you, whether intentionally or not. I am just sorry. Because now I need my Mommy and she isn't there. Not even for me to be able to hug as I say "I am so sorry" to her.

I love you very much, Mama.

I miss you more than I ever thought I would.

Oh I wish you were here to hear me vent and give me advice. I am 50 now. So much more has happened in my life since you've been gone. So many things have changed and continue to, especially inside my heart.

I still smell your scent. I bought bottles of the last perfume you used, but cannot bring myself to spray it on my pillows anymore after the first time I did. I kept the last bag you last used untouched, its contents undisturbed. Your wallet, your reading glasses, your sunglasses, etc... they are all still in the same place. I put your bag in a drawstring bag and keep it safely in a secret place here at home. I still see you in your colourful blouse and your pants and your beautiful made-up face and professionally styled hair (lest others might think you were not taking care of yourself, you vain lady! "Spooting nga" like my eldest!). In your wheelchair. With your bag. And your jewellery. And I miss you.

I haven't cooked for two Christmases and two New Year's Eves now, Mommy. It just wasn't the same knowing you weren't coming anyway. I did cook on one occasion, just to try to cook again. My goodness, all my life the kitchen was our place together. From the time I was little and would try to help in anyway I could. Even accidentally wounding a finger while trying to slice veggies like you. It's just not the same.

I miss you, Mommy ko. I just know already that I won't be able to sleep tonight. I will think of you. I will pray to God to let you give me a tight hug tonight and perhaps even sleep beside me, even for a little while.

I love you so much. Like never before.

I miss you, Mommy ko. I love you. I will always love you and think of you. Forever.

Your baby,
Shasha.

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